Beginning on Thanksgiving weekend and running until Christmas, the major sports calendar starts getting a bit boring. This is the point where most college football teams shut down and await their bowl bids. The point in the NFL season where you pretty much know who’s going to be in the playoffs and they haven’t determined the seedings. The point where most of the games on the college basketball schedule feature “Big State U” against “Northwestern Technical Liberal Arts Culinary College.” The point where the NHL and NBA—ah, to heck with it, everyone knows that the NHL and NBA aren’t interesting until the playoffs anyway. It’s not exactly “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” for sports fans—at least, not until the minor bowls begin peeking into the picture. That’s why my favorite sport to follow during this holiday season isn’t actually being played on the field. It’s being played at some snazzy hotel in Las Vegas. I’m not talking about the World Poker Tour (yawn). I’m talking about baseball’s “Hot Stove” season. Ah, yes, it IS that wonderful time of the year for big shot agents like Scott Boras, who ask professional baseball teams to pay upwards of $100 billion to make sure that their clients get “the best deal.” Already this season we’ve seen three huge free-agent signings. And all of them—pitcher CC Sabathia, pitcher A.J. Burnett and first basemen Mark Teixeira—have signed with the New York Yankees. Reportedly, Boras was trying to swindle a few different teams (the Angels, Orioles, Red Sox and Nationals chief among them) into signing Tex to an obscene multi-year, $200 million deal. The Angels removed themselves from the running, while the Red Sox reportedly refused to pay $200 million, but did offer him an 8-year, $180 million contract. Then the Yankees swooped in and signed him to similar deal for $10 million less. What’s $10 million among two different embodiments of Satan. As much as it sickens me to think that baseball teams are paying grown men that many millions of dollars to swing a stick at a ball while wearing glorified pajamas, the prospect of these negotiations intrigue me. Imagine if they were able to televise these negotiations? Wouldn’t you rather watch Scott Boras and Hank Steinbrenner argue over a few million dollars than sit through another agonizing Rams or Chiefs game? Maybe I just have a perverse sense of humor, I don’t know. These guys are talking about the kinds of money that most normal people can’t even conceive. Do YOU know what $200 million looks like? It’s like a living cartoon—Mr. Moneybags arguing with Scrooge McDuck over a penny. How could you not at least get a chuckle over that? Think about it: Boras: I think my client deserves the extra $10 million. Just, you know, for the cost of relocation. Or something. Whatever he needs it for, he needs it nonetheless. Steinbrenner: I’ll give you an extra $2 million, but that’s the best I can do. I got kids to feed. You see this economy? Boras: I know! And that’s why he needs the extra $10 million! To…you know…be happy! Steinbrenner: Well, if you put it THAT way… Boras: Also, my client wants Baltic Ave. and the Boardwalk. Steinbrenner: St. James Place and Park Place. Boras: Is free parking included in that? Steinbrenner: …well, sure. Boras: You have yourself a deal. Steinbrenner: Welcome to the New York Yankees! I exaggerate just a bit. But there are only about six different teams that can actually throw this kind of money around. The rest of them have to settle for second-tier talent. Which is why the Cardinals traded for Khalil Greene and have done virtually nothing since then. For the Yankees, though, two things remain to be seen: 1) They sign every remaining free agent, just to spite Boston (probably unlikely). 2) They can actually win with the big offseason moves. Surprisingly, this is not a given. Remember that the Tigers had a huge offseason in 2007-08, with the second-highest payroll in the league. They ended up last in the AL Central this season. The Yankees missed the playoffs for the first time in 13 seasons last year. They want nothing more than to get back and win a World Series. Hopefully they lose again. Because if they DO win it all as a result of spending this unprecedented amount of money, it will just encourage them. They’re like the Hulk: when they get motivated, nothing can stop them. They’re already motivated by anger–and no one likes the Yankees when they’re angry. Well, no one outside of New York likes the Yankees much anyway. But still–don’t we all want excuses to hate them even more?
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